God calms the storm for the child but sometimes, God calms the child to brave through the storm.

I guess it's time to publish this post. Wordy one. I'm just treating it as a blog entry. So keep nasty comments to yourself. During this point of time, I have hurt people who loves me and so I'm here, telling you all, I'm sorry for being a useless bum at the first 2 weeks. Now I have recover, it's time to live up to you guys' expectations. Love you all mak mak <3

Day 13 of moving on

Well, what should I blog? Just wanna write down some random thoughts, maybe a little emotional type. Ok. Firstly, I wanna thank my bitches who are there for me whatsapp-ing me all the time during this hard period of mine. Thank you so much. And of course, random people who are there and concern for me too. And I really mean, RANDOM. Haha. I followed Jq to church today and couldn't help but cry when he brought me for some prayer requests. Stabilized since a few days back after talking to Jq before church but still when they are so helpful in their words to encourage me, I was touched to tears. Side note, I saw my bestie, Andrea. Hahaha. So back to the topic, I learned a lot today. He calms me down and provide me with His strength. After knowing that my ex bf moved on faster than a bullet train, I was devastated. Slowly after my ex moved on, I have stabilized myself, learning to accept that it was just not meant to be because our differences are too big and not due to whatever faults he put on me for this quarrel that induced to this break up. Jq told me this, 'Forgive yourself. It's not your fault. All these happened because the differences between the both of you are too big.' So slowly I tried to get out of this emotional turmoil. Trust me, I'm like any other girl when it comes to a break up and since I'm more stubborn in love (No. Stubborn as in no matter what the person does, I will still want him back because he's the one that I loved) , I find it harder to let go. With a 4 years of non-stop emotional hurts by my ex bf and the one that's before this relationship, I was finding a psychiatrist to consult. Till I talked to Jq, I stopped wallowing myself in self pity, stood up and be my own hero. I remember I had a quote saying this, 'sometimes you have to be your own hero. Because the one you can't live without, can live without you.' And here I am, with God's help, I stood up for myself. I may not completely moved on but I know, I'm already slowly, taking babysteps, holding God's hand and walking out of this hurt that got me so badly.

Day 14 of moving on

2 days after church, my emotions stabilised a lot. God has once again showed me that He will always be there for. So what did my daddy God do? Well, I woke up around 10am today, to be more accurate, I dreamt of my ex. What happened was, I was already damn down/scared and what so happens that thunder has been heard repeatedly and I was damn traumatised by it as the dream has once again proved that we will not be together again or things will never happened that way again and by waking up because of the thunder, I got even more traumatised. I went berserk for that period. Hence, I cried out to Daddy God. I told Him to stop the thunder, I told Him not to rain today. I told Him I need peace. The thunder didn't stop but I fall asleep right away. After waking up, I asked my friends if it rained the morning and they all said no. Don't tell me is coincidence because the sky was gloomy and thunder was heard everywhere. I believed in Daddy God. He was the one who saved me. I was glad. I was very glad. Once opened my window, a gust of wind blew past me. I felt peace. With God's hand, step by step, I am starting to walked out of this. Although my dreams are still some scumbag dreams (those sweet ones especially) , I am not the girl when I just broke up a week back. I don't feel shitty the whole day. Standing up slowly. My ex may have post happy tweets (well, I don't know because I don't stalk him anymore) everytime, but I know one day, I'm definitely gonna be as happy as my ex is or even happier. This is because I trust Him. Amen.

Day 15 of moving on

Today was the day where I have realised I have been hallucinating. There were no thunders at all. Neither did it rained. Due to all the anxiety that's being build up, I have already gone to a stage where I am having illusions. I can't differentiate anything. The only lucky thing is I did not have any weird dreams about my ex. Grateful for that. I can't wait for the next session of church. I have been building everything up inside me. I manage this pain without telling much to anyone. I have to be my own hero. I don't blame my ex because I was the one who allowed him to hurt me like this. A lesson learnt this time round. I might take long to recover but I know as long as I'm alive, I will be strong enough to get out of this.Sometimes I hate the song 'officially missing you' because through that song, I know how much my ex bf loved me at that point of time which leads me to give him another chance and giving myself the chance to change for the better by settling down and stop partying. I do not regret any of my decisions made at that point of time up till now because I have learned to stop hurting myself and love myself more. And by hurting myself, I don't mean by slitting. I mean if I wanna slit, I rather jump off the building. I believed everything will be fine in the end because God has His own arrangement for me. I don't really care if my ex bf is trying to act happy in his tweets and act like he's very relaxed and stuffs, because what I care is myself now. Afterall, it's time to love myself more than I love him. The more he flirts, the faster I move on. Shall write again after my church service this week.

Day 16 of moving on

Today was one of the most fun outing I ever had in this 3 weeks of suffering I had! I decided to head down to bugis and game a few rounds. So Shinny said he'll meet me afterwards. While I was gaming halfway, I saw JLN walking towards me and I was like 'hmmmm?' Aftermath, Shinny went up to me and say "Do you have any idea what we are going to do later?" So I went like "HUH?" Shinny said this, "WE ARE GONNA SING LATER!" I WAS LIKE FLYING TO THE MOOON~ I was already complaining I wanna sing and Shinny gave me such a surprise! So I went super hyper aftermath. So hyper that my iidx passed so many songs without me knowing what I pressing. LOL. And yes! Nicol finally reached and we went to k suites at illuma! This is probably my most fun singing session ever. In case you guys are wondering, no, all the 4 of us can't sing. HAHAHAHA. We are goofing around and stuffs so that what's makes the whole session fun! Heh. Cabbed home with Nicol and I slept without any stupid dreams! Of course, prayed to God before I sleep too. 3-4 weeks of sadness, it's time to have back my normal life isn't it? (: Till I write again, ciaos!

Day 20 of moving on

Well. I'm running out of brain juices to blog because I went church yesterday and I couldn't understand the preaching since I left church for quite some time ): Things are going quite fine for me now. No dreams about him at night, waking up not feeling sucky anymore, not crying anymore. Things are getting better. I can face the songs that my ex and I used to listen together, I can listen to emo songs without really thinking much. I am getting better fortunately!

Day 23 of moving on

Well well well. Life has been extremely stable for me. Thanks to everyone that's by my side. Love you guys (': Shinny, Jln, Jq, Kang, Jason, and of course, my favourite girls, Fang and Wendy. They always take effort to make sure I'm alright. Love you girls mak mak <3 My life has been lacking of girls as always but I never once fret because I'll always have 2 girls with me. To be frank, I never thought I will move on this slow/fast. Whichever you guys sees it. I think I made the right decision to delete photos from fb and phone, his chats in my phone, unfollow him on twitter and NEVER once login and look at his twitter after I unfollow and I think I somehow saved myself by doing all these things. I asked Shinny this, I don't know if I'm avoiding or facing the pain by doing these. So he told me this, "you're avoiding this to recover. It's just the right thing to do. You have to protect yourself after what you have been through." Kang told me this, "Love yourself more." Jason told me this, "Don't be an idiot to run back to a failed relationship. That's completely retarded. He has already woken up from the dream. It's time to wake yours up." Here I am, with the final strength that I had, to pulled myself up and now I'm standing strong.

Day 25 of moving on

Well, Actually I have nothing much to blog. Just some thoughts I guess. I remember the first week when I broke up with W, I was still having so much fear. Didn't dare to mention guys he dislikes, didn't dare to contact anyone else and when he mentioned the girl and stuffs, I got to remind myself not to get affected because we have broken up. And after almost a month of moving on, the fear that he instills in me slowly fade away, I contacted back Shinny, I replied to that two A's apps or mentions. I didn't wanna mention any of them in the first place because I don't want it to be a never ending 'battle' besides of the fear. Like IF he tries to gek me with the girl and I gek him back, it will seriously be childish. And I said IF. So I'm not saying he is trying to gek me or what. If he wanna shows me how happy he is without me, he have achieved his aim. If he's trying to make me move on, he have achieved his aim too. I moved on, he moved on, with a proper closure. Sincerely glad that this is not a silent break. I can't say I have recover fully but one day I will and I will believe in love again (:

PS: If you guys are wondering why is it from day 13 and not day 1, it's because I have been a useless bum not wanting to get up on my feet and waiting so patiently for him to come back to my side and didn't wanna move on. It took me 13 days, nearly 2 weeks, for me to get back up on my feet and really decided to move on and not looking back anymore. I may been emo on this blog post, but when I posted this up, trust me. I have completely moved on. No. It's not I don't love him anymore. This stage is when I still love him, my feelings are still strong for him, but no. I am not hoping him to be back in my life anymore. I'm letting nature to take it's course. If he's mine, he will be. No matter how hard we have been pushed away, if he belongs to me, he's gonna come back in my life one day. Maybe not now, but he will be.