This is probably the only post I will not put on facebook that I've updated my blog. And after this post, I will not put it too. Reason? I never wanna affect his life. A lot of things I wanna tell him. Things like I miss him and all. this feeling makes me felt like I'm crippled. It makes me felt like I can't walk out of his world. No doubt my life is quite alright and I'm really contented for it, but I guess letting go and moving on are 2 different things. Think I belong to the let go because I have accept that he will never be back. Or rather, he has never tell me any answers. Somehow I'm sick of waiting. 2-3 months ago is like this and now the same thing happens. I don't wanna be the same old confused state. I'm always in pain because of his indecisiveness. This feeling is like shit. I don't like it. Just because he's unsure with his own feelings, it makes me feels like mine is messed up because of that. Everytime when he made a decision, it's too late. And no. Drinking everyday and get drunk whenever I drink? Nah. That's only that Wednesday. Was too emo. Drank to be numb. Drank to sleep well. Drank and get drunk to not to dream of you. How would you feel every night having super sweet dreams and then woke up feeling alone? The feeling is like fuck up k. Every morning waking up to find myself crying. Try going through what I have gone through every morning, you'll know the pain.
Still remember what he signed off with the Christmas card. He said love me always. I don't know why, I find it sweet. haha. But those days will not be back. Baybeeboy, keep going strong k? You will find someone who's better than me. I know you're already moving on an letting go. Continue. You'll be fine.
Love you always,
Clairis Lee.
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